writethisdown08

I went on a three day fast, but on the third day, my friend spent the night, and we went to go meet by other friend at dariy queen. i purged that. there's no way on earth i could keep that down. but then we just HAD to have pizza for dinner. Papa Murphy's. I had four pieces. didn't purge.
So the next day, I continued to fast. And now i'm on day four. I did slip once, even though i didn't want to. I ate pasta, ice cream, and a candy bar until i literally felt like i was going to explode, i couldn't control myself. and purged it all. My goal right now is to fast more - purge less. I hate purging, but now that i've started doing it so often, i can't not do it. But I'm going to try not to. Well, I have approximately 6 weeks until school starts. 6 weeks to lose hopefully twenty pounds. If I lose 3-4 pounds a week, that could work. Sound possible? I don't know. We'll see. But I honestly have NO idea how much i weigh. I don't own a scale. I've been pestering my mom to buy one, but she's a procrastinator. And with school coming up and warped tour, I don't know if she'll be willing to spend any more money for my sake. I don't have a specific number of days I want this fast to last. The weekend for sure, so that'll be six days since it's technically Friday. And then maybe 'till Wednesday? Nine days. Wow. We'll see. My record right now three. Haha, wish me luck.

i'm stupid.
i told myself i'd rather just not eat then keep binging and purging.
but last night, and now tonight i just couldn't control myself and did it anyways.
i really need to get back on track.
i'm so surprised. it's been 3 years since i've been making myself throw up,
and no one in my family has even noticed.
how i need to "shower" after i eat large meals.
how i'm constantly cleaning the toilet.

who could call this a life?

i'm really starting to wonder what the fuck my problem is.
i can't sleep if it's before 3:00am, and i can't wake up if it's before 12:00.
i hate it, it throws off my whole day. i want to get up and go to sleep like a normal person.

my step dad is in the kitchen making a cheese pizza and it's literally driving me crazy.
i want to eat EVERYTHING. but i can't allow myself to.
it's only been 4 days since i put full focus on my weight. not that it wasn't before,  i just needed that kick start.
and now i alrady want to binge. god i'm fucking ridiculous.

All I've been doing for the last few days is sitting up on the computer reading PA posts and other pro-anorexia blogs and such. I guess that's what my thinspiration is. Just knowing that there's other people out there succeeding, i guess you could say, is motivational for me and makes me try harder. I've been doing exeptionally well for the last few days. I'm on an 800 cal. max and i haven't gone over yet. And i've drank lots & lots of water. Bleh, I just have to drop the pounds before school starts in september or i totally give up in myself. And won't forgive myself.  We'll see how it goes. I'm going to try to write in here more often. It'll give me something to do. Not that anybody reads this, i don't think. Whatever, now i'm just rambling.